Why Motherhood Activates Your Inner Critic
Parenthood has a way of amplifying the inner world.
The voices that question, evaluate, criticize, and push us to do better often become louder, more persistent, and harder to ignore. The desire to be a “good parent” carries weight, and that weight activates something within us.
In this episode of Transformed by Birth, I sit down with Jessica Thomas Sorsci to explore what is actually happening beneath that experience. Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we begin to understand that these voices are not random or necessarily dysfunctional. They are parts of us, each with a role, each trying in its own way to help us navigate something that feels deeply important.
A Different Way of Seeing Ourselves
The concept of “parts” offers a framework for understanding the complexity of our inner experience.
Rather than seeing ourselves as a single voice, IFS recognizes that we are composed of many different aspects. These parts can hold different emotions, beliefs, and responses, sometimes even in conflict with one another.
One part may feel confident and capable, while another feels unsure or overwhelmed.
This is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a reflection of how human beings are designed to adapt, respond, and survive.
Why Motherhood Makes Everything Louder
While these parts exist long before we become parents, motherhood has a way of bringing them to the surface.
The responsibility is immense. The stakes feel high. The pressure to “get it right” can be overwhelming.
As Jessica describes, parts that were always present become louder in moments of stress, stepping in to try to manage, protect, or contain the experience.
Some of these parts work proactively, organizing, planning, and striving to hold everything together. Others step in when things begin to feel unmanageable, reacting quickly and intensely to protect us from vulnerability.
Understanding this dynamic can begin to shift how we relate to our own reactions.
The Role of the Inner Critic
One of the most powerful parts in motherhood is the inner critic.
This voice evaluates, measures, and often pushes us toward an impossible standard of perfection. It tells us we should be doing more, doing better, or doing it differently.
While it can feel harsh or even cruel, this part is often trying to prevent something deeper, a sense of failure, shame, or not being enough.
As Jessica explains, the inner critic is not the problem itself. It is part of a system that is trying to protect something more vulnerable beneath the surface.
When we begin to see it this way, something shifts.
Instead of fighting the critic, we can begin to understand what it is trying to do.
When Everything Feels Like Too Much
There are moments in parenthood when the system reaches its limit. When the effort to manage everything becomes unsustainable, other parts step in more forcefully. These are often reactive, intense, and less concerned with how things look.
They might sound like “I can’t do this,” or “I’m done,” or “none of this matters anymore.”
From the outside, these responses can feel alarming or confusing. But within the IFS framework, they are understood as protective. They are trying to remove us from something that feels overwhelming or unsafe.
They are not failures.
They are signals.
One of the most powerful shifts offered in this conversation is the move from judgment to curiosity.
Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” we can begin to ask, “What is happening inside me right now?”
This subtle change creates space.
It allows us to notice the parts that are present, to listen to them, and to understand what they might be trying to communicate.
Even this act of noticing begins to soften the intensity of these parts. They no longer need to push as hard to be heard.
The Opportunity Within Motherhood
Motherhood is often framed as something we do for our children. And while that is deeply true, this conversation invites a broader perspective.
This time is also an opportunity to meet parts of ourselves that have been waiting for attention. An opportunity to understand our own patterns, wounds, and ways of relating.
This is not about becoming perfect. It is about becoming more aware, more compassionate, and more connected to ourselves.
And in doing so, we offer something powerful to our children, not perfection, but presence, understanding, and the capacity to repair.
The Invitation
There is no such thing as a “good mom” who gets it right all the time. There are only humans, navigating something complex and meaningful, with the tools and understanding they have in each moment.
When we begin to see our inner world through this lens, something softens. The pressure to perform gives way to the possibility of relating.
And in that shift, motherhood becomes not just something we do, but something that invites us into deeper relationship with ourselves.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
- Connect with Jessica via her website, Instagram, and Facebook.
- Book: When Good Moms Feel Bad
- Mom Parts Community
- Podcast
Continue your exploration with more Transformed by Birth podcast episodes, and connect with us on Instagram @transformedbybirth where the conversation keeps unfolding.
Introduction and Welcome
Hello folks, and welcome to transformed by birth, a podcast about the rite of passage of pregnancy, birth and new parenthood. I'm your host. Britta Bushnell, author, mythologist, childbirth educator and an all around deep diver with a side of goofball. I'm so glad you're here today. We're talking about the different parts inside our own minds. So grab your comfy beverage of choice or take us along for a walk as we connect with author of when good moms feel bad, Jessica Thomas sorcy, before we begin, we start the way we always do, by lighting a candle. If you want to join me, please do or just take a breath as I light mine, I'm lighting today's candle for the many different parts of the psyche that work so hard to keep us safe in ways that are old and tender and not always what we actually need. You.
Introduction
Britta: I being a parent has a unique way of activating all the noisy voices in our brains, the ones that whine, bicker, scream and cry, the job of parenting feels big, important and heavy in a way that being fully responsible lands on our shoulders and in our hearts. The pressure of that activates a whole system inside us that tries to help us do it right and well. And according to all the indoctrination we've been absorbing through our whole lives about what good parenting looks like, especially the unique flavor of good mothering, if you're a mother or becoming a mother, you likely know the texture of this lofty goal of being a, quote, good mother and all that comes with it. It is the dance between trying to be a good mother and trying to not be a bad mother that keeps those inner voices loud and busy as they always have an evaluation to offer a measurement for improvement and a critical assessment of our worth along the spectrum from good mom to bad mom, and it is exhausting. My guest today is Jessica Thomas sorcy, a level three certified internal family systems therapist, certified perinatal mental health professional and creator of the mother centered approach. She developed the mom parts method, a revolutionary application of ifs to motherhood that helps mothers transform guilt, anxiety and anger into self compassion and confidence. Jessica's book, when good moms feel bad, presents a paradigm shifting vision maternal mental health struggles aren't disorders, they're natural responses to matrices in a culture that leaves mothers unsupported for over 25 years, exploring my inner landscape through archetypes has helped me understand myself, depersonalized negative self talk and inspired a kinder inner voice that holds all parts of me with more tenderness, naming these archetypes and seeing them as parts of me rather than The whole truth, even when their loud voices shout the opposite. These have been the balm I've needed in motherhood. More recently, finding ifs has been like visiting a new place that feels so familiar. It's like you've been there before. And Jessica's work, specifically with mothers, aligns like that too. Becoming a mother reconnects us with our deepest vulnerabilities at the exact moment we're caring for a dependent creature who relies on our nervous system for regulation, all of our unfinished business awakens and presents itself once again through ifs and parts work, Jessica is helping mothers befriend their inner critics and heal intergenerational wounds. I am so excited to get to have this conversation and be here with you. Welcome Jessica. Thank you for joining me.
Why the Voices Get So Loud: The Origins of Our Parts
Jessica: Thank you, Britta, that was so good to listen to. I was completely taken by like you were
Britta: saying, Oh, I'm so glad. Well, I do think that this is what we're navigating. There's so much that the heavy weight of wanting to do it well lands on our shoulders and activates all these noisy voices. Voices. But I'm curious from you, you know, I was talking about how those noisy voices get activated in me, or what I've seen with parents from an ifs perspective, what's actually happening with those voices? Why do they get so loud? What kind of unpack this and land us in this work a bit.
Jessica: Well, those voices were there from the time we, I don't know, developed, probably, consciousness in a certain at a certain level. Some people would argue they that, you know, that we've had those voices or parts of ourselves right from the start, they they definitely get loudest when we're stressed, even before we become parents. You know, we have parts of us that show up in crunch time to take over and try to help us not not drop the ball. Look Good, come through,
Britta: and parenthood kind of pushes all those it's get stressful. It's a crunch time. There's stresses. We might not be sleeping well, so, I mean, it's no wonder they get loud.
Jessica: Yeah, totally, when you were saying that, I was just getting this image of like, this is a funny thing that pops up, but I'm remembering, in eighth grade, I was a new kid at school, brand new school, and that's the year I started my period, but I I hadn't had it yet. First time I got it was in the middle of class, through the shorts I was wearing that day. And I'm thinking about the parts of me that showed up in that moment, like I had a part that was really embarrassed, and probably because of my personal history and conditioning, it wasn't just embarrassed, it was ashamed, as though having my period was like something wrong with me, some way in which I'm being revealed as bad. So I've got that, that vulnerable, humiliated, shamed part that's here, and then a lot of parts that we're trying to cover up. Like, how do I mask this while I get myself out of this classroom and somewhere safe? You know, really top level, managerial parts of me that are, like, right to work, I'm gonna wrap something around my waist, and I'm gonna keep my back to the to the class as I make my way to the bathroom, and, you know, just really trying to, like, fix and take care of what felt like a crisis. And I don't know why that showed up, probably because I've been chatting with you, and
Britta: I was and I started a new school in eighth grade, and started my period just before eighth grade. So we're just all synced up there, and now the whole world knows that. So I love it. Oh my gosh.
Jessica: And that was the year I moved to Santa Monica, which is we've something else we've talked about, yes, but parts, right? We have parts that we have to have parts to handle complex situations like that, where there's something big that we're protecting, and when you have a baby, there's something really big you're protecting, not only that baby, but whatever else is coming up in you, around especially for a first time mom, do I know how to do this? Do I have what it takes? Do I even want to be doing this? Oh, my God, I shouldn't have said that. Right? Like so many feelings that are very understandable and expectable for someone taking on a life changing, massive new venture that's permanent. You know, of course, you're going to have huge feelings, and you're going to be unsettled by some of those like, I covered my mouth when I said, Do I even want to do this? Because there are some feelings that really don't feel acceptable. They're not things people talk about, and it seems like maybe you're the only one who feels that way. So income, all those ones that tried to hide my period in front of my peers. Let me hide this. Let me not let this show there's something wrong with me. I'm going to push that down. I want to get back to trying to do it right. I should look like I know what I'm doing. What would a really good mom look like right now? Let me try to do that. And before you know it, you've got all kinds of aspects of yourself showing up to juggle a really complex and uncomfortable time. So let's
What Are Parts? Unpacking Internal Family Systems
Britta: unpack a little bit what you mean when you say parts, because there's likely some people who may not be very familiar with internal family systems or ifs and parts work. So when you say these, these, all these parts that show up, can you kind of break that down and and explain it in a way that somebody who has no idea what we're talking about might understand?
Jessica: Yeah, it's a really annoying term when, when you start saying it a million times, it's like, parts, parts, parts. But. Well, then let's,
Britta: let's pop that bubble and just say it directly, like, what are we talking about?
Jessica: Yes. Dick Schwartz. Richard Schwartz is the guy who created internal family systems, and he says that he the terminology he uses, one term is parts came from, directly from his clients that he's a therapist, and as he would be working with someone, he would hear them say, Well, part of me feels really glad to be here like with with you helping me, Dick. I'm really grateful and really hopeful that I'm in this therapy. Another part of me thinks you're full of shit and doesn't want to, like, hear anything you're saying, and wants to tell you what to do. You know. So painting this picture of very different, distinct aspects of self that are kind of best described as parts, because they are all here at once. And it's kind of colloquial just to say, Well, part of me didn't even want to go to school today, so he grabbed that term and it stuck. I think it's understood. You know, if we want to take it apart more like aspects of the self, it could be sub personalities. It can be energies. Sometimes, when I've looked for parts in myself, it doesn't feel like it's a full on personality or something I'm really envisioning. Other times, it's really clear, like, oh my god, I see myself at seven years old, or this 13 year old who had her period. I can feel there's imagery I can remember, like the way it felt in my body and what I needed to do and the actions I took, but sometimes it's much looser. It's just like, better described as an energy that's not so distinct, but like a part of me that feels really tingly when I think about, I don't know, you know, I was going to say giving birth, but I don't know. We'll just go with that. If you know when I was pregnant, maybe I'd think about giving birth and just kind of have a little bit of a tingly feeling on my throat or my face, and I can't really say that that's a part that's that I know it's age or it comes with big beliefs or history. I'm not familiar with it, but I can feel an energy. So there's all kinds of ways to find parts and talk about them, but in general, the idea is we all have tons of parts. It's not a sign of being sick or unwell. It's not like Sybil when we learned about multiple personality disorder. The reality is, every healthy human is high functioning, because we're able to use these different parts of ourselves in very sophisticated ways to manage, cope with, respond, to survive, enhance all kinds of challenging human experiences.
Managers and Firefighters: A Story from the Bathroom
Britta: Yeah, boy, and we have lots of challenging human experiences. So I'm thinking, might I share like an experience that I can remember from parenthood, and we can kind of unpack it a little bit and look at what some of those parts might be, so that we can kind of make this kind of ground it, yes. Does that work for you? Let's do it. Okay. So the image that just popped into my head was when my kids were let's see my my older son was in second grade, and my younger son was in preschool, and we had decided to homeschool. We homeschooled for for two years. At that point, second and third grade for my older son, and I had my workshop space where I taught my childbirth classes, which worked as a great homeschool location for community gatherings. And I, we lived in a town where there were lots of homeschoolers, so we would do events. Well, we which was great. I mean, that was a great way to homeschool, but homeschooling was a lot of pressure, and it was a lot of work. My husband was building a company. I was helping run a childbirth training organization. I was working probably 3040, hours a week, plus homeschooling, plus trying to have a thriving marriage, friendships, all these things. And there was this one day where it was the final day of our kind of homeschooling year, and the whole community was coming over to my house, and they wanted to offer a thank you to me, and they had all these things they want to do. And we had classes happening, an art class happening in my studio space, and I had work that was absolutely just falling apart all around me. And. Needed my attention, and I was losing it. Totally losing it. I had. I remember going upstairs at one point into my bathroom, and just like cringing while everyone was waiting outside for me to come down, because they actually wanted to thank me and offer me a gift. And yet I was so collapsed on myself that I could not go out there. I was hiding in my bathroom. And eventually I did go out, but I was cranky and I was angry and I was the pressure of all the things that were landing on me felt too big. So what parts like? I know you have names for a lot of parts, and you have your parts cards, and in your book, you have them labeled out, but help, help me unpack this. What? Yeah, because, I mean, I think there's a lot of parts happening.
Jessica: Well, I heard you really naming what I would call, well, what ifs would call more the firefighters that came up while you're in the bathroom, sort of collapsing, you know, you said collapsing, but then also angry or cranky, so that we have a sense of, like, energetically, what was coming out as a result of, on this side, some kind of massive effort to manage it all.
Britta: What are the manager the firefighters are managing it, or they know they're the they're the ones coming out, having trying to put out the fire with the cranky Yeah. So unpack some of that. Help us understand what, what we're talking about, about managers and firefighters?
Jessica: Yeah, the managers are proactive. So they're the ones that before everybody came over, you were getting everything in order, making sure you were prepared. You probably like, thought about breakfast for everybody, for you and your kids.
Britta: You know, all those was trying to manage the things that were going on in my work and while that was happening, taking care of those things. Yes, that management? Yeah, yes, managing a lot.
Jessica: They do just what their name describes, right? They're they're the capable ones. They're what we lean into. They're forward facing, meaning we would like our neighbors to think of us as that one that gets things done and, you know, has her act together, and the house is clean and, oh, in control. You know, very lots of control, control, control in that realm. We need them for you and I to get on this podcast today. We needed them. We we really lean on those hard in our culture and with all that we're doing. So you were doing that, but something happened where it was just too much. There were too many managers burning the candle at both ends. Is what I'm hearing absolutely,
Britta: definitely, I mean, and I could feel it. You could feel, even feel it now, if I think back and this was 20 years ago,
Jessica: yeah, what did it feel like? What can you connect with now as
Britta: you I mean, it felt hot, it felt tight. You know, I felt tightness in my chest. It felt like a desire to run. There was definitely a fuck it all. I this is, I'm out of here. Can't deal.
Britta: There was anger.
Jessica: Yeah, the fuck it all. And the and the anger feel like they're coming on the heels of the big, tight, tense effort. That tends to be how it goes is those proactive managers are doing a damn good job, but they're doing it within a nervous system that has finite energy and capability and capacity. And also, there are circumstances you may be maybe you could do that if no one also was talking to you. And you know, maybe if the phone wasn't ringing too and if the clock wasn't moving too quickly and pushing you into the next hour, you could maybe have handled it. But all of that combining with, you know, your biology and external circumstances and the number of things you were asking your system to do at once, there's a breaking point at that moment, it all started to blend together in your in your sharing, like the anger comes, the fuck it comes. It kind of feels like, well, maybe it all came at once, but I would say you were managing up to a point, and that at that point you could not manage anymore. You're managing. I know exactly
Britta: what the moment was you do? Yeah, the moment was having when, when my friend Jen said, Can you come outside? We all want to thank you. And it was the request of having to be seen and acknowledged, and to ask. Asking me to pause, yeah, that was too much. Yeah. That was the place where, prior to that, I was just moving fast and doing things quickly, yeah, but being asked that in a way that was about slowing down, about receiving was where the vulnerability popped out and and the firefighters came on strong, yeah.
Jessica: What were they afraid would happen if you had slowed down and been seen and received what was?
Britta: What was the fear? Oh, I think the fear was of being seen, not holding it all together. Yeah, I think this I would, I think I was tender in a way that I all of these people who had been coming to my house for a year would have seen me fall apart and cry, yeah, rather than holding it all together.
Jessica: That's right. And what did you tell yourself about that? What would that mean if you fell apart and cried?
Britta: Yeah, oh, that that, I mean, probably something along the lines of, I'm a fraud, or, you know, some something of that ilk.
Jessica: Yeah, right, I'm not good enough. Or, yeah, something wrong with me? Yeah. So your firefighters, who are the parts of you that are the parts of you that come in once the flames have already begun to spread. The managers try to keep the flames from coming, but you had a breaking point. The flames were kicking in. Firefighters are the parts of us that show up when the shit has hit the fan, and they try to take you out of that Inferno, and they're not tidy and they're not well put together. They don't care, you know, just like my husband was a firefighter, so it's fun for me, because I've heard it from him in real life, like, no, no, you get the ax and you break down the door, and then when you come in, you blast water on all of the precious valuables, and you get the fire out. That's what you do. So anger comes in, fuck it comes in and does that on your behalf. And they don't want the vulnerability. They don't want you to feel what I think of as grief and shame, you know, especially in front of everyone that makes it griefier and shamier, right? Yes, absolutely. And they come and they try to whisk you into a space, either literally or kind of psychologically that feels some like sense of soothing or buffering or distance from all of that efforting, that feeling of failing, that exposure, that vulnerability, that grief and that shame,
The Inner Critic: What Pushes Us to the Breaking Point
Britta: yeah which, yeah, so, so all, all of those parts were going on. And, you know, in in my in the way that, that I've worked with, kind of archetypes that feels like it has an echo in parts work and ifs, and I recently did a training with you on mom parts, and so I started, you know, kind of mapping the way that my brain thinks about this with sort of the IFS thing. And there was a lot of inner critic going on, yes, which I would have called the judge, but, but a lot of inner critic trying to, can we talk about the inner critic? Like, what? Because that feels like a really, really active part for moms. I know that in this story that I just shared, and that we have kind of worked with a little bit, that the inner critic was loud.
Jessica: Yeah, it is such a big deal. I think the inner critic is oftentimes the thing that does the tipping into the breaking point, like you weren't holding and you were having a hard time, but the thing that made it completely intolerable in your system, I'm going to guess, is that voice energy part that came in and said, Oh my god, Britta, you're about to screw this whole thing up in front of everyone. What the fuck is wrong with you? And that energy, yes, you know what,
Jessica: screw it. I'm out. I can't handle that much pressure and a sense of failure all at the same time. That kind of, that kind of upswell inside. I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm done. I'm shutting down shop. That is how it goes in, not just moms, it's we're talking moms today, and moms is my specialty, but moms often like to hear that this is the same for partners and kids too, and it's that inner critic that just. Pushed the person you were having a conversation with into defensiveness and ass holery. It's their inner critic. They just told themselves that they're they're a piece of crap. So knowing that, like when that happens with my husband or one of my kids, I can have a lot more compassion, like, Oh, you just did that inside. That's why you now are acting like I'm coming for you, when I'm really not. You came for yourself, and it's so painful, you had to do a big firefighter demonstration, right?
Britta: And one of the things I love is that we need firefighters. They have a
Jessica: role. Yes, tell me more.
Britta: Well, I mean, like they they come in, as you said about your husband, they come in, they break down the door and they put water on it. It's not that I love, that there isn't a strong like pointing fingers at the inner critic, or a, a judging, the judge, you know, it's that the way that our brains are so quick to shoot second arrows, like, like, the the in that situation. For me, the inner critic came in, the firefighter came in to say, hey, you this is not safe. We've got to take care. You know, enough, enough, enough. You You're sucking at this, and you can't show what's happening, or whatever the voice is with the finger wag, because I'm sure that was coming up in my inner voice, but that that was actually trying to do something to protect me, that that ifs doesn't mark those as inherently bad, right? And I think that's so tender, because then that means we're not saying the work that we're doing is to try and make it so that the firefighters don't do
Jessica: their work, right? In fact, the firefighters are heroes. They're heroes on behalf of something tender in you. They do some damage, yes, right? As you said, pouring water over all the family's heirlooms. Yes, the like, they cost you something they definitely do, and there's a cleanup. And I'm not saying that well, I'll say when we've had an opportunity to go in and and get to know those parts of ourselves really intimately and develop a relationship with them, chances are you'll have fewer firefighter interventions. You won't need them as much because they come because they're very tied to a tight feeling of shame or wanting to ward off grief. When you're a little looser and you kind of got some experience with shame and grief, and you're kind of know how to be there for yourself in what ifs would call a self led way, or what I would call like, having an inner mom who's got you is holding you, then you don't need to call 911, as often. You can kind of hang out with a few flames and, like, get your foot over there and tap, tamp them down if need be, or let them, let them kind of come up a little bit and sit by the fire. In some ways, you'll have more capacity for that. It doesn't the breaking point, has a little more looseness and flexibility and doesn't break quite as quickly. So yes, fire, all parts are welcome. That's a big like, Man mantle,
Britta: whatever, yeah, it's over everything.
No Bad Parts: The Philosophy of IFS
Jessica: Yeah, over everything for ifs like Dick Schwartz's book is no bad parts, there are none. So yes, and that is so welcoming. It helps us move forward and get curious and open hearted, and our parts cause us some suffering too, and they cause our loved ones some suffering. And sometimes our colleagues, our employees, neighbors, whoever it may be, constituents, some suffering. So it's both yeah
Britta: and that's and one of the things that in your work, that in ifs the the basically allowing the part to be separate from us in a little way, talk about how you talk about that, because that depersonalization, that that unblending, or I was going to let you, but the untangling of that identification with it, where the bad feeling or the firefighter is. Is us,
Britta: right? Is part of where the suffering lies.
Unblending: Getting Curious and Creating Distance
Jessica: Yes, that's so true. I've really learned that when we don't take things personally, we are so much more flexible and able to stay in conversations. That's true in our in our relationships, when we can just be curious, like, tell me about why that just made you so mad. Rather than, are you saying there's something wrong with me, you know? Why are you always coming at me? Now, curiosity about what's going on outside of us gives us a lot more stamina and a lot more openness. Same thing inside, if we can notice when there's a big reaction inside, and just that, noticing, first, like something just happened inside, and then second, curiosity. What was it? I got so tight all of a sudden, and I felt like I was going to get in trouble. I'm now bringing more curiosity in. Oh my gosh, that that's how I felt so much as a kid, starting to connect a little bit more. Wow. I wonder, I wonder why I went there. Like starting to get curious in any way is a form of unblending and untangling and separating and differentiating, becoming separate from what's going on. That's that's why we're calling them parts. We're trying to personify them, these aspects of ourselves, so that we can kind of peel them off and say, What the heck is that? And get it a little more 3d I will sometimes, and I'm sure this is right up your alley. What what you do? I'll find different objects and help turn that object into the part, and then I can just like, set it down and interact with it. Well, what does it want to say about what happened to me in the bathroom when I got so mad and everybody was knocking and saying, We want to love you up. What was this part doing? Was protecting me, you know, and I'm now. I'm unblended enough to hear its story. Respect it. All beings like respect. All beings like to be that's probably the best way to put it. Respect. The same is true inside of us. It's as though we have a million little beings, and if we can offer them that kind of respect and interest, they actually start to mellow out. They don't have to yell so hard and use their elbows. They can kind of okay. She's listening now, well, let me tell you, they open up. They open up. And when you've done that with one or two parts in your system, effectively, you've stopped, maybe with some guidance or support, or maybe you can do it on your own and really listened. What is this part trying to do? What's it believing? What is it doing? My body, this is all unblending. When you've done that successfully once or twice, the word starts to get out in your system that you are capable of that, and I've noticed that you don't, then have to, like, do it for every single part. It's almost like a domino effect, or where your system will just start to trust you more, like your kids would. If you listen to them respectfully, they'll stop yelling every time they want something, because they actually know all they have to do is say, hey mom, and you're like, Yeah, I'm listening. Okay. I won't yell. Then I won't escalate. I won't start throwing things. Same thing inside,
The Unique Opportunity of Parts Work in Parenthood
Britta: yeah, I think, I mean, I love this, and it's also making me think about what a unique opportunity it is for parts work when you are also learning to parent a child and a child outside of your own being. You know, because we have our inner child, but then if we have an external child, I think for many people that I've worked with and even myself, it's so much easier to see the tenderness in our child and want to hold it with reverence and care that it brings out a different kind of patience and acceptance that I may not have been able to offer to myself. So can you talk about the unique opportunity of doing parts work while you are also awakening the inner parent in you with your own child?
Jessica: Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, you really, you really said it already. I think having that experience of yourself as being patient and compassionate and respectful or reverent or careful with another little being you. It is interesting that a mom can move into that and do it so beautifully and consistently and not offer herself the same care. I'd say that's what I mostly see, and it hasn't even occurred to her that she could offer that to herself. I was just sitting with a mom yesterday, who's an incredibly good mom, incredibly good and she has a teenage child who's quite troubled, and she's blaming herself for it, and saying, Where did I fail? And just thinking of her like the kind of care she has given her child the kind of respect and understanding that she's given to him she has not given to herself. And it's such a good opportunity when you when you have a good mom who I'll say, most of us are really good moms. We're really well intended, right?
Britta: You show up. Makes me tender and a little teary, as you say that, because I think it's so true, and yet, as a demographic, I don't know any, any demographic harder on themselves
Jessica: exactly, exactly that inner critic is one piece of being hard on yourself, and the other piece is just lack of awareness experience something like that, of pulling that loving mothering back inward, and sometimes just that quick direction of, okay, if this was little Louise feeling like such a failure, well, and I'm giving you an example with the mom of a boy. So I'll stick with the boy. If this was Little Billy calling himself a failure while working as hard as you do. Like if he if he had the same kind of commitment and compassion and patience and perseverance and persistence and love that that you have, and he's calling himself a failure. What would you say to him every time I ask a mom that she she says, I would say to him, I'm so proud of you. I think you're incredible. I know it doesn't feel great right now, but you are. You are really a fantastic fill in the blank, and I'd give him a big hug if he wanted it, and I would just have such a sense of really appreciating him. Okay, let's try giving that to you, because actually just described you. And more often than not, moms can do it. They just haven't really gotten any instruction in that or something. I don't know. It's just making that connection, fitting that USB thingy into its right hole,
Britta: connecting the right the right equipment. Yeah, yes, that's it. Is, is, yeah, and, and there's a lot in the over culture that has kind of kept us dancing for goodness that isn't even to that, I think gets in the way of our ability to pause and breathe and see it for ourselves, and the act of asking it the way that you did, is part of like permission to go slowly enough to take a moment and pause and and reflect, because there's so much out there that is Really ping ponging us between this good mom, bad mom continuum, yeah, that has us kind of dancing for worthiness, yes,
Jessica: and maybe we always were, even before motherhood. And maybe all genders, all people are in some way, because of our culture that we're in and that underlying feeling of shame, of otherness, of not belonging, fear of being left out, abandoned, looked down upon, it's sort of it's not. Everybody doesn't have it to the same degree. I got a huge share of it, so I'm very familiar with it, and I think we all taste it. I think that, yeah, motherhood is just a place where we can really, we can really get lost in that and spend a whole mothering career chasing our tails and comparing ourselves and feeling like we're coming up short and trying to hide it. And you know that that's also it's also true that that's a huge opportunity that because it's so acutely painful, and maybe we're really getting a lot of those breaking points, we might be in class. Designed to seek more support or buy some books and dig in and see if we can figure this out with ourselves. We're motivated. We want to, we want to feel better, and so that's, that's the good side of it. Yeah, that is
Britta: it such a huge opportunity. I mean the number of parents and moms in particular that I've worked with who really feel inspired to do better and unpack what's going on inside them, in large part inspired by the fact that they don't want to carry on some of those habits and patterns, and whether they're their own or generational or, you know, brought down through intergenerational stuff that they didn't even know they put in their suitcase, but they've been carrying it around for years and years and years that they're inspired to want to look at those things.
Jessica: They really are. They really are, and we really are right. We watch our kids encountering the world and getting injured, you know, in school or with coaches, or maybe with our
Jessica: partner Yeah, or with our Yeah. All of it, yeah.
Jessica: And so we're just so aware of, like, Jesus is a rough, rough thing, and I'm, I'm kind of this kid's oftentimes it's like, I'm this kid's primary advocate. I'm so motivated, I'm so aware that they are super vulnerable. And it's kind of on me, maybe it's on my partner too, hopefully, but oftentimes it's moms who feel that burden slash honor the most of carrying this kid. And if you have a kid with special needs or high needs, or just a confusing kid, or a kid that doesn't fit with you, which happens often, right? It's like it's even harder. I've got to advocate for this person who's not easy for me. I, I'm in a tough situation. I need some help. I I'm so determined and committed and devoted, and I don't quite have what it takes because I'm I've got my own parts. I'm getting triggered all the time. I didn't have the care I needed growing up. I don't have the the information or the education. So that seeking of support is an opening, and hopefully mom's in that position find some good help. I know it's not always the case, but I like to think this book might be a little bit of support and companionship in those funky spots, if and if a mom doesn't have outside support, and even if she does, but I have this fantasy of like moms who would never be able to get therapy for whatever reason, stigma, money, being able to read the book and think, Okay, there's nothing wrong with me. I don't understand myself entirely. It's still hard. But I'm getting the message that the fact that I feel all these things doesn't mean I'm bad. I make sense. I can start piecing this together. Yeah, I
Guilt, Anger, and the Shame Wave of Motherhood
Britta: love that about the book. It's very accessible, it's really warm, and feels like a companion. And I've loved that about it while I've been reading it, and I think it one of the aspects that I think can be really tricky for moms that the book handles well, and I'd love you to talk about it a little bit. Here is the dance with guilt anger. You know, guilt anger, those are like, like, we have something called mom guilt. Yeah, then we also get upset with ourselves for having mom guilt and then anger. We have shame about anger and like a not allowing, and then shame comes in and all of that, even as you were just describing, you know the oh, I'm the advocate for my child, or oh, this is challenging for me, and as soon as we acknowledge something as challenging or hard or or beyond us, there can be this wave that comes right with that, that is the shame wave. And I'd love you to kind of speak to the parts of us in in in our mom Ness, that face, that that shame wave, or the mom guilt or the anger, because you deal with those as parts, right?
Jessica: Yes, that's right. I can't remember exactly how I said it in the book, but an important thing that moms do not. I go into motherhood knowing is that this is a time that's just as much for you as for your child. It's like, from the moment we find out we're pregnant, it's it becomes all about our child, everything we eat and don't eat and drink and don't breathe, and all of that is is totally oriented around this baby and your obligation, it's a moral obligation to not fuck it up. And you know, there's a lot of pressure on moms right from the start, and it goes the whole way through to not fuck it up and to do all the things right. And moms don't know, nor does our culture that actually this time belongs just as much to her as it does to the child. The difference is the child is dependent on her exclusively, right? And I really appreciate that. I'm not trying to be a jerk about that, but moms get really forgotten, and this is, this is a time for them to encounter their own unfinished business, their own wounds, their strengths, their trustworthiness, but in a living like incomplete way. It's also kind of acting out in the moment, a huge discovery process for moms that is, that's healthy, that's normal, that's to be expected. You get to claim it. It's not something to hide. It's not a sign of failure. And I think we do bring in this kind of shame with with us where, you know, I'll encounter like a mom who's, you know, 28 and has a one year old and feels like she should have known how to do it all right from the moment that things started and that she didn't, feels like something she needs to hide and kind of flagellate herself over. You don't know you're going to you're going to make mistakes. Actually, that's completely, completely welcome. All parts, welcome mistakes. Welcome it has to be because they do happen. And you know the
You're Only as Old as Your Child Is
Britta: best I often say, I'm sorry. Just gonna interrupt one of the things I'll say in my classes, and I think it's in my book, is that you're only as old as your child is as a parent, and that when we have a newborn in our arms and they don't know how to roll over, they don't know how to crawl, they don't know how to walk, they certainly don't know how to run, and We accept them in that vulnerability, in that newness, without shaking our finger at them, saying, you're just sitting there like a blob. Why aren't you running?
Jessica: Get it together. Get it together.
Britta: And yet we do that with ourselves, in that newborn mom phase, yes, frequently where we're like, I should know how to run well, developmentally, you haven't even learned how to roll over yet. That's right.
Jessica: Anything you don't know is, is honest and acceptable, yeah, and we were supposed to be part of like, little communities and packs where there were lots of loving women around who knew us and the people before us, and maybe our other versions of our pack, or our relatives, and they care a lot about the baby, and they care about us, and they're showing us, and they're teaching us, and they're with US, and instead, we are alone, largely in this culture, we have a baby, and they send us home, and we're alone, and our partner, if we have one, often goes back to work, and now we are alone with a capital A with this baby who we don't know, and we have all this ridiculous mythology about what, how perfect we're supposed to be at this and how much we should have it nailed and love it and love it and look good doing it. Yeah, we're
Britta: supposed to have it together. Know what we're doing, look good doing it and love it all at the same time in order to hit that mythological character called a good mom. That's right, control, yeah? Because it's not actually a good mom, it's actually being perfect.
Control, Perfectionism, and Mom Culture
Jessica: Yeah, that's exactly right, yeah. And you write a lot about control in your book, which I really appreciate. I think that's that's such a big part. I've got a part card called the controller. That's another one like the inner critic that I think is just woven in everywhere we do. It's almost like perfect kindling for the inner critic. We have this idea that we can control. We should. Control, and that anything that happens outside of good is our own fault, because we were supposed to
Britta: control it, right? Well. And I think that the ideation of control and certainty, like the that veneration of those as so amazing is sort of the bookend to the one that I close the ideals chapter in my book about. So that's chat. That's the first ideal that I unpack, is control uncertainty. And the final one I do is exceptionalism and perfection,
Jessica: because they feed each other, yes,
Britta: in a way that like it's the idea that certainty is possible and the idea that control is possible actually feeds that perfectionism.
Jessica: And that is our mom culture nowadays, isn't it?
Britta: Yeah, and it's, it's working against us.
Jessica: It is. It leaves no soulful space for a mom to be in process and full of parts and colorful and like a wild, you know, Discovery Zone of her own, and that, I think, is like the biggest gift We can give ourselves, is bringing that curiosity inside of mom and discovering you know her incredible, heroic, nuanced, painful, historical living parts and get to know them and create her own kind of map of her inner world, as though she matters just as much as her baby. Because the reality is, the more she knows that territory, and she's mapped it out herself, that that map is going to be provided to her child, or children too, in a sense, and it's a lot less work than for the kid to do later with, like, figuring out what the hell was going on with mom and what part of that had to do with me being a bad kid, and what part of that should I take on and try to, like, fix, you know, if you know your own territory and you can say, here's what happened. I felt like I was managing so much. I was down on myself for not having it together. I hit a breaking point. I ran to the bathroom. A big, angry monster came up, and I was like, fuck it. I'm not even gonna do it. Go with the program anymore. That's what happened to me. If you can provide that kind of stuff to your kid, even if all of that happens, I don't know that it gets better than that in this human existence, that's really that's really healthy, helpful, pro social, relational behavior.
What We Model for Our Children
Britta: And when you do it with yourself, your kids do learn it for themselves.
Jessica: Yes, they do.
Britta: That's a huge thing. So while we're dancing the dance of trying to create perfectionism, and our children see that, we pass that along, and if instead, we're like, Ooh, Oh, I'm human, ooh, ouch. That was hard, and wow, I was overwhelmed, and a lot was going on for me, and my firefighters came out and tried to take care of me, and, wow, okay, Hmm, let me just be tender with myself. That was a lot and that, and if our if we're able to do that for ourselves. And our children can witness us doing that, and we can do that in some ways for them. I mean, what a gift, what
Jessica: a gift. Something about being able to make sense of yourself is very regulating. It's very calming. It kind of gets our our feathers smoothed down, and we're just, we're more in self energy. Ifs talks about self energy as kind of our innate presence, that's when undisturbed by threat is calm, compassionate, curious, connected, creative, you know? So I think when we can make sense to ourselves, we've got, like, a narrative that really captures it in a way that's accurate to our experience. We're in good shape,
Britta: yeah, and, and it's something that you it's a practice. You don't have to get there all in one step. You can't, actually, it's an
Jessica: unfolding mystery, right? Unfolding, yeah, you mix in new physiology of perimenopause, or, you know, your partner having health issues, or the world falling apart, and you're going to have more mystery. And. Folding more more to get to know more parts showing up at times that surprise you, or in configurations that are new.
Britta: Yeah, yeah. And being able to to kind of hold them all tenderly with curiosity and care and creativity and all the C words that come out in in the way of handling them is a beautiful place to begin unpacking it and yes, holding. I love the idea of kind of holding in that, in that tender way that a mom holds a newborn,
Jessica: those parts Yes, and I love when moms could do that together. I have a hope that there'll be like a contagion with the mom parts cards, and moms will learn how to sit with each other and do their own spread of here's what's happening in my system right now. Got these parts and they're kind of this is what they're feeling. This is what's so true for them. It's because there's shame underneath, and what they're really needing is more self compassion to be able to put that together and share it with other women who are doing the same is one of the highlights of my life, and I hope that it takes, it takes on more urgent. I don't know what's the word,
Britta: yeah, that it catches. That's it. It's that it's catching and that, and then it spreads and and more people pick it up and do it. And if somebody listening here today wants to pick it up. Where are the places they can find you, your work, your offerings, maybe even communities that you have, where that is happening. What? Where can people find out about your work?
Where to Find Jessica and Her Work
Jessica: I have a mom parts community online@momparts.com where you can be part of an online membership thing. There's a small fee attached, $29 and you can join any the live events we have, which happen weekly, where we're doing this kind of work with other moms, led by practitioners like myself, who know the material really well. And there's just a lot of information in that online community about parts normalizing conversations, podcast like material, and then I train practitioners also in how to facilitate these types of Circles, how to feel some spaciousness and capacity for moving closer to the grief and shame that are at the root of mom, mom's protectors and their reactivity. Because I think knowing the territory of grief and shame gives us a lot of necessary courage to go in and really be there. And that's called Mother centered. That's you can find all of that on my website. It gets you there with momparts.com or Jessica Thomas sourcei.com
Britta: love that. And are you? Do you have social media that is up and going? Where do you like your social media to be found?
Jessica: Yeah, I am one of those people who somehow missed the Instagram bus until, like, a year ago, and this book was about to come out, and it's like, well, I better figure this out. So I have Instagram, Jessica Thomas sourcey, and I've got a Facebook page too. I think if you look for my name, you'll find you'll find me there.
Britta: Those are the big ones. Okay, great. And then,
Final Question
Britta: as we bring our conversation to a close, I like to end with one question. Are you ready for our final question?
Jessica: I can't wait. Okay,
Britta: what's one thing that you feel passionately about that you want new or expectant parents to see, hear, feel or know during this profound period of their lives,
Jessica: I would say it's a little redundant that I've said it already, but that this time is just as much for them as it is for their baby, that their focus on being a great mom to that baby is noble and motivating. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't touch it at all, but that they could have a similar interest and maybe, like, I'm going to say, selfishness around wanting their own young mom parts to to be cared for and explored just as tenderly.
Closing
Britta: Thank you. Thank you Jessica for being here and thank you listeners for sharing this time with us. If something today impacted supported or moved you, please share this episode with a friend. I produce this podcast myself, and your support makes it possible to show. A little love for the podcast and these conversations, please follow, rate and review. If you'd like to continue the conversation, please join us on Instagram at transformed by birth. I look forward to being with you again on the next episode of transformed by birth. Now let's gather what we want to take away from this episode, from this conversation, from this deep work, and we'll breathe it in on an inhale and with an exhale, I'll blow out our candle until next time bye friends.
About Dr. Britta Bushnell
is a writer, teacher, storyteller, and mentor who blends her eclectic training, years of experience, and areas of study into a unique offering for individuals, couples, professionals, and groups. Britta is currently deep at work writing her forthcoming book, Transformed by Birth: Illuminating cultural ideals to enhance the experience of childbirth.