The Myth of the Perfect Birth with Avital Norman Nathman

We prepare for birth because we want to feel ready. We learn about physiology, choose our providers, and build our support teams.

We gather information, sometimes an enormous amount of it, hoping that if we understand enough and prepare enough, we might make the unknown a little more knowable.

And then there’s birth.

In this episode of Transformed by Birth, I sit down with writer, editor, advocate, and author Avital Norman Nathman to explore what she calls the perfect birth myth, and what happens when we mistake preparation for control.

The Myth of the Perfect Birth with Avital Norman Nathman

The Myth of the Perfect Birth

For her book, The Perfect Birth Myth: Pushing Back Against a Broken Industry, Avital and her co-author expected a few hundred survey responses about people’s experiences of birth.

Instead, thousands of stories poured in.

People wanted to talk about what happened to them. They shared stories about fear, finances, insurance, interventions, expectations, and the gap between the birth they had imagined and the one they actually experienced. 

Behind statistics about birth are real people making decisions within circumstances they don't always control. Avital shares examples of people weighing pain relief against insurance coverage or making decisions about where to give birth based on what they could afford. 

That distinction matters.

We can make choices, prepare, and advocate for ourselves. But none of those things guarantee a particular outcome.

Avital Quote

Why We Reach for Control

Birth asks us to enter an extraordinarily vulnerable space.

Avital shares her own detailed birth plan in the book, something she can now look back on nearly two decades later with a different understanding. At the time, preparing for every possibility helped her respond to the fear of what she couldn't predict.

As she puts it, if we can prepare for every single thing, perhaps nothing will feel unexpected.

Except, of course, we can't prepare for everything. There is tenderness in recognizing that impulse rather than judging it.

Birth involves our bodies, emotions, relationships, and families. We're navigating unfamiliar language and systems while experiencing something profoundly personal.

Of course we want something to hold onto.

When Information Feeds the Fear

Today we have access to more information about pregnancy and birth than perhaps any generation before us.

That doesn't necessarily make us feel safer.

Avital describes an environment of information overload where social media can make it difficult to distinguish evidence from opinion or misinformation. The loudest voice isn't necessarily the most trustworthy one, and a short video stripped of context may have little relevance to an individual person's circumstances. 

During our conversation, I'm reminded of something one of my former teachers, Clarissa Pinkola Estés, once said:

“Fear is hungry for information.”

When we're afraid, we search, and search for some more information and more answers.

Sometimes the information helps us feel grounded. Other times, we leave the buffet of information overstuffed and nauseous. 

Avital Quote

When “Failure” Isn't Personal

One of the most important things Avital wants parents to understand is that what happens during birth is not all on you. That's difficult to remember in a culture that often frames birth through individual choices and personal responsibility.

Rather than immediately asking, What did I do wrong?, we can ask what circumstances and systems shaped what happened.

As Avital explains, the purpose isn't to frighten people. It's to take some of that weight off their shoulders. 

Maternity Care Voids Are Made

Avital intentionally uses the term maternity care voids rather than maternity care deserts.

A desert is a naturally occurring ecosystem. A community without adequate maternity care didn't simply develop that way on its own.

Hospitals close maternity units and funding disappears. Policies restrict where and how midwives can practice. Families can find themselves traveling hours for specialized prenatal or birth care.

Those are human-made conditions, which also means they can be changed. 

It's another reminder that we can't talk honestly about individual birth experiences without also talking about the environments in which people are giving birth.

You're not alone. Share your story.

Someone else has had the strange thought you thought only you had, and has made the mistake you're embarrassed about. 

New parenthood can feel profoundly isolating.

Our stories remind us that we're not the only ones figuring it out as we go. So if you feel called, share!

Perhaps the goal was never a perfect birth. It's more so about entering the unknown with information, support, agency, and enough grace for ourselves when the experience refuses to follow the plan.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

Continue your exploration with more Transformed by Birth podcast episodes, and connect with us on Instagram @transformedbybirth where the conversation keeps unfolding.

 

Posted in Podcast

About Dr. Britta Bushnell

is a writer, teacher, storyteller, and mentor who blends her eclectic training, years of experience, and areas of study into a unique offering for individuals, couples, professionals, and groups. Britta is currently deep at work writing her forthcoming book, Transformed by Birth: Illuminating cultural ideals to enhance the experience of childbirth.